CONAN O'BRIEN, HOST:  Now Todd, you were on the show a couple of months ago.

TODD BARRY: Yes, I was. 

O'BRIEN: I understand you had weird experience. This is true. Is this right?

BARRY: Yes, I was on your show in April, and about a week after I was on your show, I sit around my apartment doing what most guys do on a Saturday night: I was searching my own name on the Internet.
 I came across this news group dedicated to your show, it's like alt.conanobrien or something. And there's a woman who does like a weekend review thing, and she gives little awards to the guests. I found the week that I was on, and this is what she wrote.(takes out a memo)

O'BRIEN: (referring to the previous guest who read his dream he had one night) This isn't a dream, this is real?

BARRY:This is not a dream. This is reality.

O'BRIEN: This is the night of guests' reading thing. Ok, here we go.

BARRY:Best guest of the week: Chris Odonel, not just for the way he filled out those blue jeans, but also his charming personality. Worst guest of the week: (pointing at himself) Todd Barry. No charm, no humor, no wit, and a personality which can only be described as icky.
 So I was reading this on the computer, it's like, first of all, once you praise a guy for filling out his blue jeans, I think you lose the right to accuse someone else for being icky. And second of all, I actually--you know I don't wear blue jeans on your show with all due respect, but I look pretty good in pair of blue jeans. I actually brought a picture.

O'BRIEN: Can we see the picture?

(showing the picture)

O'BRIEN: Did you put a toaster down there? What the hell was that? Well, it's nice to have you back, and you are not icky. Are you having a good summer? Are you enjoying yourself?

BARRY:I don't know it's hot. Did you know that? It gets hot in the summer.

O'BRIEN: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

BARRY:I actually have friends who claim they don't like air conditioning.

O'BRIEN: I heard that too from some people.

BARRY:They all like "I don't like air conditioning." I guess they lie to me when you think about what is air conditioning; it's just a "definite solution to a problem." "Oh, it's hot in here "click" it's cool in here. You're right, that does suck." It reminds me a time when I was hungry and ate that food.

O'BRIEN: Well, Todd, where do you live in the city? Paint the picture for me. Where do you hang out?

BARRY:Well, now the people write about me on the Internet I'd like to give my home address. I live downtown sort of like a hipster, punk rock area town. You know lots of piercing and tattoos. I see guys like full of neck tattoos and it just so tempting to walk up to them and go "Hey man, you forgot not to do that." "You were gonna do that, and you know I shouldn't do that, then you forgot."

O'BRIEN: Do you like women with tattoos?

BARRY:I love women with tattoos. I go kind of superficial and shallow about that actually. I mean I go crazy, I don't even care what the tattoo is. I mean I can be with a woman and like "Hey what's that little thing on your shoulder?" "Oh, this is a soybean." "Oh, really, I though it was a rice crisp. Now I know what soybean looks like."

O'BRIEN: Do you eat a lot in the city?

BARRY:I eat out a lot. It's just unbelievable amount of restaurants. You don't even think about the amount of restaurants in New York. I was walking around and I saw this Malaysian restaurant I never seen before. I look in the window and it's all men eating there. I was like while most cities probably don't even have a Malaysian restaurant, we have a "gay" Malaysian restaurant. You probably can't even find that in Malaysia, which I don't know. I don't know if you know this but that's the gayest country in Asia.

O'BRIEN: I've heard that. That gets around. Todd, I wish we had more time but unfortunately we don't.

BARRY:We're seriously done?

O'BRIEN: We're serious done, yeah. And you were icky in my book.