Conan(C): Nice to have you here, Louie. Thanks for coming by.
Louie CK(L): Thanks. Thanks for having me.
C: Is life good? I haven't seen you in a while. Is everything OK?
L: I guess so. Yeah...(uncheerfully)
C: Ok, great, good night....
L: I took a subway here, because it goes right into the building, but I had to go to Brooklyn first... according to the train anyway I guess I had some... Have you ever get on a train that says local and it just goes express on a whim? You know they decide "Let's skip a thousand stops and let's not tell anybody" you get on a train, you know sometimes a guy goes on and make an announcement like "(in an unlegible voice)DA DA DA DA DA, Ah DA Doh ,DA Stupid DA Gywa WA DA!!" then you end up an awful place.
C: That's terrible!
L: Last time I ended up in Harlem. But people are too afraid of Harlem you know when everybody moved to New York they'd say "You can't go to Harlem because as soon as you get there they kill you! As soon as you arrive they stub you in the face." which is stupid I've been in Harlem and people there they have a lot of stuff to do you know they are busy, they are not just standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day like right outside the subway's entrance they go " (acting as if looking down the subway stairs and having knife in his hand)Come on! Come this way!"
C: There's a quota.(laughing) Well, do you think but you know racism you think that's a big problem here in New York, isn't it?
L: Yeah, I think a lot of it is based on that kind of fear you know. Like I know this girl named Stephanie she's like you know "I my name Stephaner" she's like kind of you know "I study Englishees my name Stephanas" she shouldn't really live here you know. She always tells me these stories. She is always like "(making funny face looking like she's disgusted)I was in subway" you know one of those starts with that face. "When I was in the subway" and she says "this black guy sit next me, black guy" and right away it's gonna be a bad story, right?
C: Right.
L: Nobody starts a nice story that way. Nobody goes "this black guy sat next to me and he gave me an thousand dollars." So it's always weird complaints. But I think people have a..... There's always excuses for racism, you know? like I met this guy from the south and he was really racist and I asked his friend "Why is he like that?" and the friend goes "Oh, He's grown up on a farm" What kind of farm is that!? Maybe the animals are racist you know because where he grown up animals are like "Jewws, Jewwws, Blaaaaacks, Blaaacks, Jewws, Blaaacks, it's Max it's Max! Blaaacks, Jewws...." (Conan and the audience cracking up) Wow that IS a racist farm.
C: That's a terrible! That's awful!
L: Actually it's not really racist just to say blacks and Jews, just to say it.
C: Just to say it.
L: Yeah, although it wouldn't be really cool to like stand on a subway platform and go "(like singing)Blacks and Jews. Blacks and Jews. I'm not being racist saying blacks and Jews. Blacks and Jews. Blacks and Jews. It's OK Blacks and Jews."
C: I think if minute it becomes a song it's ok.
L: Yeah yeah.
C: Then you are fine.
L: Yeah it's not racist. Go ahead say blacks and Jews.
C: No I can't do that.
L: Come on!
C: Blacks and Jews!
L: Yeah!! That's not racist.
C:(pointing at the cue card from the director)I was told that I was canceled.  Now, do you enjoy the multicultural aspect of New York? Do you like the fact that there are so many different types are here?
L: It's great. There's a lot... well, some people are tourists from other countries that come up to here. These French people came up to me, and they asked me for directions,I guess. It's amazing because they just ask totally in French, like the guy he didn't even do like you know "(imitating French people's English)Ah how dyu say?" you know nothing like that. He just walked up to me and with his friend he just goes"(imitating French)Jyu ra mo jyon de ra mo jyo bi de jyon" I was like "yeah I am sory but I don't speak French" and he was like "(infuriated)Jyu re te pe re tere te pere to wa!!" I'm like yeah I don't speak French, which isn't weird because we are not in France.(big laughs) What the fXXk(censored) you know.
C: (surprised)What!? (referring to the F-word)What the hell was that!
L: Because that habitants French are like "(imitating French)Bo jyu bra ba ba booon..(Louice getting insanely excited)" How do you go around like that?
C: I Don't Know. (referring to the dirty word earier)You are on TV remember. Now...
L: (confused)I thought that was ok. I'm sorry.
C: We are just gotten back on the air now and we are now off again... We only have a couple of seconds left but I understand you do some impressions. Is that right? Now we gotta give some impressions.
L: Alright here's one this is ah.... my impresion of a guy with really bad eye sight. Alright just a guy with bad eye sight. (the impression begins) "(with his eyes narrowed)Is that a pig? Oh no it's a a glass of water"
C: (crappy laughs from Conan and the audience)
L: Blacks and Jews!
C: (disgusted)Alright, they told me you did impressions...