Conan interviews with his good friend Todd Barry
Transcribed by K Arai
Conan(C): How have you been? Everything good?
Todd Barry(T): Good, good, just going a lot of weddings.
C: Going weddings lately?
T: Yeah. It's like, I think there should be like third option on that
wedding invitation. It's always like I Can Attend, I Can't Attend, how
about I Don't Wanna Go To Your Wedding?
C: Why? Why would you have that?
T: I would be in town, I got nothing else is going on, in fact I might
end up doing something worse than going your wedding. But having said that,
I don't wanna go to your wed! Check.
C: Why? Why are you so...
T: Because all my friends add these massively inconvenient weddings,
you know, it's always like Susan lives in New York, I live in New York
but she's got this favorite uncle who's got this fetish for Asian cultures.
So like we are gonna get married in Indonesia. And the wedding is next
week and the cheapest airfare you can get now is 11 thousand dollars. Oh
by the way you and your wedding party, you have to pay for your own taxied.
C: These aren't good friend you have. You aren't romantic guy.. Do
you wanna have kids?
T: Do I want a kid? Let me think about it for one second. No.
Kids are great but everyone is like "oh, kids are so special and
so nice", and the first thing they do they go on vacation without them.
"Hey, Tommy. Your mother and I, we are gonna go on vacation without you.
That's ok mom and dad, you probably need some time alone. Oh, actually
we're going with 9 other couples. It's gonna be quite a party. You don't
have any candy while we are gone."
C: Do you hang out with couples a lot? Are you a guy that hangs out
with...
T: I do, yeah, you know it's fine, but there's always the 'We agree
on everything' couple? You know, we are so in love, we agree on everything
and they always pretend to share a really obscure opinions, you know? You
will notice when they talk about movies with them "Hey, did you see the
Thin Red Line? Yeah, 'We' saw that." It's always 'We'. "Did
you like it? We liked the script, but we thought that they could
have used different lighting and exterior shots." You're two hearts must
beat as one.
C: Now, you got a little obsession I wanna talk about because I share
it. Larry King. You are obsessed with Larry King. What obsessed you about
Larry?
T: I am not obsessed. I just read sort of an obnoxious interview
with him. He's married like 14 times or something. He's like, he is always
talking about his ladies, like yeah "I'm 65 years old", then "Would I be
boasting if I said I didn't need Viagra?" It's like boasting or lying,
I don't know. It's like why would you boast about a medicine that you don't
need? It's like "Hey, Larry! What are you doing next weekend? You wanna
hang out? Oh, yeah, I got plenty of free time,
it's not like I'm on chemotherapy or anything. You know, since I don't
have cancer...."
C: Now, ah, I know you. We are friends outside the studio. You used
to be a musician. You are not a bad musician.
T: Well, I actually am a very bad musician.
C: I was trying to be nice.
T: Ok. But, you know, I still have musician friends and record industry
friends. They are really nice people but you know you can't talk with them
about music because it's always personal with them. Like "Shall I get the
new back album? Don't even think about getting that back album.
Why not? His bass player spilled Mountain Dew on my friend's rehearsal
studio and he didn't even apologize!" Well, that had to affect the song
writer. I would not buy that album.
C: Are you in general a social guy?
T: I'm a social guy. I think sort of trying to be appropriate about
it, I mean that some people socialize anywhere it's like public rest rooms
even. Like, can I stand up to show you what happened?
C: Yeah.
T: (standing up) I was having urine recently.
C: I like the story begin that way. It's a nice bed time story. Go
ahead, let's hear it.
T: (referring to the previous guest)Did Marsha tell one of those? (Acting
like he's urinating was urinating. I was standing next to this guy, it
was like mid stream conversation, it's like "Phew, hey how's it going?
Too much diet Pepsi. I don't know if you heard me but too much diet
Pepsi" and it was awkward because I was just about to ask him "Hey buddy
what beverage brought you in here today?"
C: You know my favorite thing about that story? Your penis is in the
middle of your chest. What are you doing?(standing up, acting like he holds
his penis in the middle of the chest and urinates, whistling) How does
that affect your sex life?
T: I could whip it out if you prefer.
C: No, I don't want you to do that! I would enjoy that, though... Now,
before you go, where do you live in the city? I just said I was a good
friend of yours and now I'm admitting I don't even know where you live.
T: (Kidding)Well, my home address is... No, it's, I live down town
sort of back, I live in East Village. I live in an area where right on
the sidewalk they sell things, it's questionable as to how they acquire
them. I'm sitting in my apartment like 3 AM, and it was whole garage sale
is going on, and all the sudden in the middle of nowhere I hear "Does anyone
know anything about fish tanks? Does anyone know anything about fish tanks?"
I just wanted to open the window and say "hey buddy you gotta steal the
owner's manual also."
C: I don't know, it's a pain in the neck, every time I go down the
Village they are shooting a movie there.
T: Shooting a movie, yeah. I'm in owe for the arts and everything,
but they are... These film people are so cut-throat, they actually put
a sign up in front of my building and it says "We're gonna be filming a
movie in your neighborhood. If there is any delivery that you can't reschedule,
let the production company know." It's like " oh, yeah I'm gonna reschedule
all my deliveries." so I was like "Hey can you hold off sending that medication?
I don't wanna piss off Keither Sazarland."
C: You don't want to, he's a powerful man.
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